Can she act? No. Can she sing? No. Does she commit both pathetically and still make a fortune from it? Yes. So what is the fascination with the newly emancipated Paris Hilton?
I've actually watched numerous people attempt to answer this question - and fail. And they fail because there isn't a good answer. Simply put - I think it's a new form of sport-entertainment hybrid called "Heiress Watching."
And to be perfectly honest here - I like it too. Why? Because she's the closest thing to royalty that we Americans have and we've grown to admire and like her for whom she really is - an attractive young rich kid with no moral compass or purpose. The Brits have William and Harry... We get Paris.
Sure they are Princes - but have they had their own popular reality TV show, a homemade porn film, a successful pop record or a jailhouse tale? No.
Heck, about the only thing Paris hasn't accomplished yet is to get elected to Congress - and it's early in her career. So in the proverbial game of royalty, I'd argue Paris is actually winning by a landslide.
So whether you're fascinated by her or not - when Barbara Walters calls you in jail or NBC toys with the idea of paying you a million bucks to talk to them, it's safe to say you have arrived - and without really doing anything more than being born. That's royalty in my book, fellow commoners.
And luckily for you - if you haven't yet come to terms with your Paris-Phobia but are still interested to see what happens in the highly anticipated first interview since getting out of jail - I will watch the easily confused Larry King tonight so you don't have to.
After all, what would Paris say about it? Look no further than her trademark saying...
I can be reached for questions, comments or personal notes from Paris at Griffsnotes@foxnews.com.