Goofballs, and Pandas, and Bears–Oh My!

When I tell people I went to U.C. Berkeley, I always beg them not to hold it against me.

It was truly an embarrassing time. Not on my part, but the institution’s.

I witnessed pathetic hippies living it up like it was still the Summer of VD…oh excuse me…the Summer of LOVE.

I saw the Battle of People’s Park (redux).

I saw, unfortunately, the Naked Guy.

And the protests were a dime a dozen. Everyday and everywhere. Somebody or some group HAD to be protesting. Something! Anything! As long as you were against it!

One of the biggest controversies on campus right now involves a proposed…gasp…PANDA EXPRESS fast food eatery.

OH NO!! Are you SERIOUS?!?! Aren’t they owned by radical Christians? Oh wait. Well, aren’t they the chain that poisons children?? Nope. Aren’t they secretly a Republican PAC?? Hmmm. No. Don’t they support acid rain and killing endangered animals?? Ummm, no.

So what’s the deal?? It may not be the most authentic Chinese food, but what’s the protest about?

Well, no one really knows. Idiotic students keep chanting “sustainability” without really knowing what the heck they are talking about. They don’t like chains, I guess, unless it’s the kind two consenting adults might request. One student rented a big panda costume, only to have ANOTHER student actually WEAR it.

If they’d become capitalists for five minutes they would realize that there is a dead zone of over 1,000 square feet of EMPTINESS in Sproul Plaza. The perfect place for a PANDA EXPRESS if no one else wants to move in there first.

Not only would the restaurant bring jobs and atmosphere and at least ONE MILLION DOLLARS in annual sales, the restaurant has agreed to many of Berkeley strict and granola chomping demands. Vegetarian selections. Biodegradable. Locally grown produce. And oil free of trans fat.

Let the Panda come to Cal. Even though it’s not really a BEAR, it could be a nice addition to the den.

And besides, the smell of Orange Chicken would be a nice change from the patchouli.

Potstickers, not pot! Potstickers, not pot! Potstickers, not pot!