I just spent several days in Disneyland, the Happiest Place On Earth as they call it. I literally managed to shield myself from the news. Something that is very hard for me, even while on vacation with my family.
My goal was to completely relax--not an easy thing when trying to keep tabs of 6 kids in a place as huge and crowded as Disneyland. But I was proud of the fact that I didn't even glance at a headline most of the week. And if I did, I quickly turned away.
So to my shock and horror, my father says the moment we get back, "Did you see they are trying to change the shape of hot dogs because kids choke on them?"
I stopped in my tracks. The suitcases had not even been unloaded yet and my blood pressure was through the roof.
Sometimes my father mishears things (he IS on the deaf side). He must have made a mistake.
I put our bags down and got on the Internet and did some web searching.
Sure enough!! There it was!! A move to change the shape of HOT DOGS. Not only that, but to put WARNING LABELS on them--along with CHEWING GUM packages.
Why? Because people CHOKE, of course!!
Are you kidding me??
People choke on ALL SORTS OF THINGS!!
How did any of us ever manage to survive childhood with things like hot dogs shaped like hot dogs, play structures made of STEEL, and cars without 5-point harnesses??
Maybe it's because we had parents and supervision. Maybe we had parents who weren't stupid enough to hand us a foot long object to eat and then walk away.
Maybe we were just SMARTER back then. Honest to GOD. We are pretty damned stupid these days.
Speaking of Disneyland, I was HORRIFIED that the tram driver had to YELL REPEATEDLY to stop people from getting off on the WRONG side of the tram. EXIT TO THE RIGHT OF THE DRIVER'S SIDE!! RIGHT!! THE RIGHT HAND SIDE!! SIR?? THE RIGHT SIDE!!
Ok. Even if you didn't understand the language, wouldn't you figure it out by seeing 1,000 other people exiting on the RIGHT side and you were the ONLY ONE exiting to the left?? And didn't your mom teach you to exit at the curbside not the street side, anyway??
So the American Academdy of Pediatrics wants us to change the shape of hot dogs. Actually, based on the way hot dogs are MADE, it's IMPOSSIBLE to make it any other shape. If it were, it would be a burger.
We don't want hot dogs to be patties, thank you very much. We want them nice and long and fat and nestled in a bunch covered in all sorts of delicious ingredients.
We want YOU to stay out of it.
Oh, and they want warning labels on hot dogs at the very least. And chewing gum, too. Why not all candy? Why not on ANY food or item?? People have NEVER choked to death on a hamburger?? A steak?? A peanut?? Ham sandwich??
This makes me FURIOUS.
With their logic, we need warning labels on toilets because kids can drown in the bowl.
How about we make it ILLEGAL to have bath tubs? Just showers will be allowed? And swimming pools?? YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING!! You don't need one of those.
How about we ban curbs? People trip and fall on those all the time.
The doctor's office already asks if you have a gun in the home. I always say the same thing: NONE OF YOUR FREAKING BUSINESS.
Will they ask if we have hot dogs in the fridge next? If we let our kids chew gum?
That's all I ask.