In the beginning, God created the heavens and the Earth. He made cows for cheeseburgers; turkey for Thanksgiving; and chicken for the Baptists.
But somehow over the past few thousand years, mankind has slowly lost it's place on the food chain. And now, the animal kingdom is getting restless. It may only be a matter of time before Fluffy satisfies his hunger with something other than Kibbles-n-Bits.
Consider the following:
In San Diego, a killer whale tries to deep-six a trainer during a live show at SeaWorld. The big fish broke the trainer's foot. The whale is apparently a serial-biter with previous attacks reported in the 1990s. If you ask me it's time to dispatch Shamu to the local Red Lobster.
In Florida, there's the naked crackhead who was nearly eaten alive by an alligator. And as Sheriff Grady Judd so eloquently told Fox News, just because you are a naked crackhead, does not give an alligator the right to eat you alive.
Then there's the story of a California couple who owned a pet chimpanzee. St. James Davis and his wife kept Moe the Chimp at an animal sanctuary. They showed up one day with a birthday cake. In return, Moe went after St. James --- tearing off his testicles.
Maybe they should have considered a gerbel.
The experts aren't quite sure what's making animals so aggressive. It's only a matter of time before someone blames global warming. But here's my take: it's a dog-eat-dog world out there and folks, we have a personal responsibility not to become the main course.
Don't want to be devoured by a shark? Don't swim in the ocean. Fearful of being mauled by a bear? Avoid Pooh Corner.
And how about People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals? Where's PETA when the animals are eating the humans?
Friends, it's time to reclaim our position in the food chain, preferably with a cast iron skillet in hand. Let the beasts of the field know who's in charge.
May our rally cry be heard across the fruited plain! The only good chicken is a fried chicken.
Just remember, gentle readers, guns don't kill people but animals do --- so be sure to enforce your position on the food chain with your friends from Smith and Wesson.