Sir, Take Your Hand off the Diet Coke

Thom the runner proudly handed me a Democratic National Convention goodie bag. It was filled with all sorts of treats including my favorite beverage of choice — the Baptist Martini. For you Lutherans out there – that’s a Diet Coke.

Thom is an ambitious young college kid and he loaded me up with two Diet Cokes and Two Red Bulls. Little did I know, it would cause me grief at the security check point outside Pepsi Center.

As they rifled and rummaged through my belongings, they came across the contraband beverages. Instead of a casual, “Sir, you can’t bring these inside the secure zone,” the security guard read me the riot act.

“Can’t you read the sign,” she scolded me. Sure enough, there was a sign that banned soft drinks and any other canned beverage. I must have been on vacation when Homeland Security deemed fizzy drinks a national security threat. Although I knew a girl in college whose root beer belch could be considered a weapon of mass destruction.

“You can either throw it away or you won’t get in,” she said.

I tried to crack a joke about this being some sort of a Pepsi plot against Coke. She was clearly not amused and then I really stepped in it. I asked if I should hand the illegal carbonated drinks to a security guard or throw them away myself. “We’re not security guards, sir,” she said. “We’re federal agents.”

I had visions of water-boarding at Guantanamo Bay in my near future. I promptly tossed the drinks in a nearby trash can and scooted on my merry way.

It’s a good thing I didn’t try to sneak in a YooHoo.




Comments